The Irish Heiress, Boucicault

• Act The First
• A Dressing Room in Sir William Stanmore's house in Parkstreet.
• STAN. Listen, sir, and remember. Whenever you owe a debt, never shirk your creditor; -- seek, rather, than shun him. Entreat,--nay, command him to send in his account. He won't; then go, and abuse him for his negligence,--say, you ever run bills, &e. &e. When he discovers all this (which in time he will), and you have good grounds to suppose that he intends to present his bill,--cork him with a large order! Now, you may go on with the next.
• STAN. (Taking the letter from Lenoir, reads.) "My dearest William,--Why did you promised to return, without the slightest intention of keeping your word?
• ... The children long to see you, but not more eagerly than your affectionate wife, KATHERINE DAVENTRY."
• STAN. Lenoir, you must await this lady's arrival, and conduct her to apartments as far from this as possible.
• STAN. No: for remember, she imagines herself to be my wife--
• STAN. (Takes it from Lenoir, and reads.) "My dear Stanny,--I have the most particular business to consult upon. Be at home at twelve o'clock this morning;--mind, be sure. Yours, very muzzy, PERCY ARDENT."
• SUPPLE. The contained a full and complete avowal--pardon me--of your illegimatcy.
• STAN. And who bought the cabinet?
  SUPPLE. I did: and all that it contained.
  STAN. I see. (They eye each other significantly.)
• SUPPLE. Your father, my dear sir, had a twin brother, Edward Daventry, who was disowned for marrying a Miss Merrion; and being driven by necessity from this country he assumed his wife's name, and accepted a commission in the Bengal army, in which service he died, leaving his widow and one child, Miss Norah Merrion. Now, as your title and estates descend by the female line, this child, your first cousin, is heiress-at-law to your father.
  STAN. And you mean to proclaim it, I suppose?
• STAN. For what sum will you destroy them?
  SUPPLE. Oh, my dear sir, 'would be a felony.
• STAN. True--I had forgotten. (Aside.) What shall I do?--I'll try a ruse.
• ... (Aside.) The rascal knows me! (Aloud.) Ahem! where is this girl?
• SUPPLE. On her mother's late death, she was left to the guardianship of her cousin, Lord William Daventry, with whom she now resides.
• SUPPLE. You will find I have lodged eight hundred pounds to your credit, at your banker's.
• STAN. Now am I not an unlucky devil? what's to be done? My debts are twenty thousand, and my credit--eight hundred;
• STAN. ... --Oh, I see what it will all end in; --I shall become reckless;--I shall lose all kind of moral feeling, and in a moment of temporary insanity, I shall marry.--Marry? why should I not marry Norah herself? Egad! I'll try, under any circumstance.
• ARDENT. ...--(Reads) "Loveliest of created beings, I adore you to distraction!" Oh! what a relief it was,--when I cam to that!--(Reads) :Give me back my heart,--or, as you have it, keep it now, and take the rest!"--
• STAN. What's her name?
• ARDENT. Her name!--a--she didn't mention that.
• STAN. Hum!--has she money?
  ARDENT. Money!--dam'me, Stanmore, what a fellow you are! I never thought of asking,--no, I did nothing but look, listen, and love!
• FUSS. Very nearly; I had a nibble--a--Norah--Norah--
  STAN. Merrion!
  FUSS. That's it!--Norah Merrion!--somebody told you.
• STAN. (Aside.) The devil it is!--I was going to help him to the very girl I intend for myself!
• ARDENT. Then, major, oblige me by delivering this letter, there's a good fellow. I'll do as much for you another time!
• FUSS. (Taking it.) Why, what's in it?
  ARDENT. My heart--my soul--my love--my all.
• STAN. (Aside.) It has no direction.
  ARDENT. Take the first private opportunity to give it to her.
  STAN. (Aside.) He has never told him who it is for.
• DAVENTRY. I haven't the remotest conception. People have been telling me, for the last thirty years, I ought to marry, but somehow, it slipped my memory, till Kate Savage put me in mind of it.
• ARDENT. Hear! hear! hear! My lord, you'll be a great speaker,--just my feeling!
  DAVENTRY. You admire my little Norah?--Sir, give me your hand!--you are a devilish good-looking fellow, and a man of taste! (Shaking his hand.)
• Act The Second
• DAV. (seriously.) Kate, that is the most undeserved and unkindly word you have uttered since our marriage. I don't need your cool taunt, to feel aware I am double your age,--those mirrors hourly say as much. Remember, that you married me from choice; at least you said so; and the fault, if fault there be on either side, must be on yours; for years are no reproach, unless ill-spent.
• LADY D. I entreat your pardon, love. I would not wound your feelings for worlds; indeed, indeed, I would not! I only spoke for your own sake: there's a little different between our ages, as you well know there always should be, always ten years at least,--fifteen, I think better. Now as I am twenty-eight--
• DAV. Why, you see--after all--when you come to consider that I--you--(breaking out)--Damn me! I don't like to see another man with his arms round my wife's waist, whisking round, to an infernal see-saw donkey-braying tune!
• LADY D. Give me patience;--Lord William Daventry, you're a fool!
• NORAH. Dear old soul! he says there has not been a dry lip in Kilkenny, since I left it.
• MRS. COM. Why in England over a departed friend, we shed a tear!
  NORAH. Oh! in Ireland, over a departed friend, we shed a pipe of claret, ha! ha! Poor Pierce! (kissing the letter) bless him!
• NORAH. Going on? did you ever hear of Ireland standing still? Going on! you would not ask that, had you ever heard the west wind whistle Garryowen, round the Kerry hills.--Faith, Ireland shan't want a trumpeter, while Norah Merrion has a voice!
• MRS. COM. Beautiful! (aside to Lady Daventry.) My dear, keep that husband of yours in sight! the girl is too pretty--take my advice!
• ARDENT. ... Stay! I'll write an order, for fear of any blunder,--Stanmore, have you a slip of paper about you?
  Will the back of this do? (Gives a letter.) (Aside.) A billet-doux from my tailor!
• ARDENT. ... But stay, what is this? (reads)
• LADY D. Merciful heavens! I am lost! he is married!
  MRS. C. What!
  LADY D. (Reads.) "If you persist in keeping our marriage secret"--
• MRS. C. Why, you don't mean to say that you are in love with this man?
• MRS. C. You foolish child, you do love him.
• LADY D. Has the wretch married two Kates?
• LADY D. Sir William Stanmore, have you given permission to my husband to make your house the rendezvous for a disgraceful assignation?
• STAN. The devil! (Feeling in his pocket, draws out another letter; looks at it.) (Aside.) I gave Ardent the wrong letter, by Jove!
• LADY D. Must not the object of that letter be a villian?
  STAN. Horrible! (Puts it in his pocket.)
  LADY D. No! give it back again, if you please. (Takes letter.) Thank you! Now, my husband will ask you for the loan of your house. Oblige me, by giving it.
• MRS. C. I don't altogether like that pretty Irish cousin of his. Cousins on a visit--never knew good come of it.
  LADY D. You don't mean to assert--
• STAN. (Aside.) If all comes out, she can't say I joined in this deceit. No, but I could not criminate myself by owning the letter.
• Act The Third
• Oh! of course I said yes, and wished her in Heaven with all my heart. Quadrille began at last, so I said I was engaged, and left her with an unfinished tale of her sorrows "to be continued in our next" as the magazines have it. I say, what were you pouring into Norah's ear, so passionately? I won't have it! Fair play! If you are going to enter the lists and run for the Norah stakes--no sneaking.
• STAN. By half,--let me be your agent.
• STAN. (Aside.) I fear I have no chance--I'll do the magnanimous--I'll send Mrs. Comfort; I know she is anxious to tell Norah Lady Daventry's wishes, who, on hearing them will certainly leave the house--then if I can only get her to accept my house as a residence, I can remain here and set matters right. Poor old Daventry! Hang it! he must not suffer by my infernal mistake.
• ARDENT. I leave England to-morrow.
• ARDENT. (Aside.) What naivite! Another girl would have ordered a trousseau and printed cards for half as much. (Aloud.) Must I be explicit? Dearest Norah, you are the only inducement I have to remain in London. Had I not a hope----
  NORAH. (Quietly and half aside.) Oh! I understand you now.
  ARDENT. I love you, Norah, passionately--with such an adoration as a nature wild as mine is only capable of conceiving. Speak! You are your own mistress.
  NORAH. Ad! DO you know I am penniless and an orphan?
• NORAH. Sure, I have nothing to give.
  ARDENT. Your heart.
• ARDENT. ... Oh! Stanmore! will you ask Fuss to return the letter I gave him this morning. Get it from him, will you; thank you.
• STAN. Fuss, Ardent says you need not deliver that letter he gave you this morning.
  FUSS. Letter, letter! oh, yes! 'Pon my life, I had quite forgotten it--here it is. let me see, who was it intended for--some one here; yes, Oh! Lady Deventry, wasn't it.
• DAVENTRY. Wrote to my wife!
  STANMORE. (Aside.) Ha, ha! this is Fuss's chef-d'oeuvre of a blunder.
• FUSS. I think he mentioned--a um--oh, yes, it contains his heart, his soul, his all!
• DAVENTRY. My wife must have encouraged him, or he never would have dared to write that.
• DAVENTRY. I see Ardent coming. Keep him off, Stanmore; and tell him, if he does not desist from his obvious flirtations with my wife, that--
  STAN. He must take the consequences.
  DAVENTRY. Exactly.
• LADY D. Well, Lord William, have you quite concluded your flirtation with Miss Merrion?
  DAVENTRY. Don't be ridiculous.
• LADY D. (Aside.) I see, I see, he'll brazen it out. Nothing but my going there will confound him; he is case-hardened. Oh! that I could retaliate in any way, and make him jealous by any means!
  DAVENTRY. And now, Lady Daventy, that you have emptied that pack of nonsense out of your temper, permit me to speak, and to inform you, definitively, that I will not sanction your intimacy with Mr. Ardent.
  LADY D. (Aside.) It is coming, I do believe. (Aloud.) Nor I yours with Miss Merrion.
• DAVENTRY. ... You have told Ardent that I consider his flirtations with my wife insulting?
  STAN. I did; he laughed, and sung something about kissing and prattling with fifty fair maids.
• STAN. I think it right to inform you that he has some deep scheme afoot with respect to your ward.
  DAVENTRY. What the devil--both at once?
  STAN. I fear that Lady Daventry has become jealous of his attentions to Norah.
• DAVENTRY. Stay! I'll put Kate to the test. I will tell her that it is my intention to accompany my ward back to Ireland. I will give her full scope with that young scamp, while I, quietly domiciled in town, may watch the effects!
  STAN. Excellent!
• DAVENTRY. Then mark me; here we separate for ever!
  LADY D. Very well. Very well, sir. (Aside.) Ah! what have I done?
• Act The Fourth
• DAVENTRY. (Decidedly three sheets in the wind.) Pass the wine.
• STAN. Has not the remotest idea of it; she imagines you are in Dublin by this time.
  DAVENTRY. And Norah?--
  STAN. Is with you.
• DAVENTRY. I hate a man who gets drunk.
  STAN. So do I.
  DAVENTRY. Why doesn't he stop when he can't go on?
• STAN. (Aside.) I fear he is too far gone for the ladies!
• STAN. That was only the last flash! He is out.
  LENOIR. Oui, monsieur, he is gone out.
• STAN. But you must leave this country; look you, this present wife of mine may interfere with my interests. Now as you have persuaded her of my absence from Europe, on pretence of following me, you must convey her to India. A vessel sails from Portsmouth in four days--I will remit regularly to her there, and she can marry if she pleases--she will have numerous offers, and rich ones I have no doubt--but remember, Lenoir, break the news of our false marriage by degrees, and treat her with all respect--play none of your tricks upon me--I'll have eyes upon you; you know me.
• STAN. Look you. Five years ago, while on a grouse shooting excursion in the Highlands, with some friends, a sudden storm drove me to seek shelter in a cottage, in the mistress of which I beheld the loveliest creature the warmest fancy could picture. I continually visited the spot. I fell in love with her, and she returned my passion. I would have gladly made her my wife, but she was not eligible, so--
  SUPPLE. You seduced her.
  STAN. NO. She was immaculate; till by a counterfeit marriage--
  SUPPLE. I know the rest.
• SUPPLE. (Reads) "Catherine Grahame!" (Falls back into a chair.)
• STAN. Stay! she is in this house.
  ARDENT. Who? Norah? Impossible! What do you mean?
• STAN. If you doubt me I will send her to you, and then you can form your own conclusions. (Aside.) Now, he will do something rash; her Irish blood will fire up and consume their acquaintance, and then I shall have a chance.
• ARDENT. ... Oh, what a deceitful thing human nature is!--the lovely Norah!
• ARDENT. Will you not leave this miserable old wretch, who has brought you to this house?
  NORAH. Miserable old wretch? Good gracious!
• NORAH. (More softly). I do! Don't touch me. (Falling on his shoulder.) I detest you. Ah, percy! you are a brute, faith you are!
• DAVENTRY. Happened! why if I hadn't just woke up, in time to knock that rascal down, I can't exactly calculate what would not have happened! Pistols, Stanmore, and we'll have it out comfortably.
• STAN. Here, Ardent, go into that room! (Aside.) Devilish unfortunate! you went too far!
• STAN. Lady Daventry? the devil! By Jove, it is that infernal letter, she expects to detect his lordship in a liaison. What an ass I was not to have foreseen this! What is to be done?
• STAN. Fuss! He will remember the mistake of the letter, and I shall be discovered!
• STAN. If you will just slip into my dressing-room here, you will overhear all!
  FUSS. Thank you! Bless me, a private box!
• DAVENTRY. ... Must I witness this? (blows out the candle--stage dark.) Here's a situation for three months after marriage! What matrimonial almanack could have foretold such a storm in my connubial climate, after the change of the honeymoon? Why am I to be the victim? Yes, I am fated to be held up as an example of all old asses who browse on rosebuds. I long to see how she will look--I never saw her blush yet; now we'll see if she can.
• ARDENT. (Whispering.) My dear Stanmore, I owe you a thousand obligations! But where the deuce are the lights?
  STAN. Never mind. My sole desire is to reconcile Daventry and his wife--that's my object; they are both in the house, so remain quiet here while I see if the road is clear.
• LADY D. Oh, gracious, the room's quite dark! I can't find him anywhere. Have I been misled?
  ARDENT. I hear the whisk of a petticoat. Hist! is that Norah?
  LADY D. There he is. Oh, the wretch! 'tis Norah he expects.
• ARDENT. (Struggling.) Lady Daventry, by Jove!
• DAVENTRY. Damme, I can't stand that! Hollo! Stanmore! lights, fire.
• LADY D. I have been deceived! I did not expect to find Mr. Ardent here!
  DAVENTRY. Who then?
  LADY D. You, and Norah!
• Enter Norah!
  LADY D. Is she, indeed! Then this is an unexpected return, I suppose.
• FUSS. (Within.) Let me out--let me out!
• FUSS. (Coming out.) The North East Bungays! Stay, Lord William! Stop, Lady Daventry! you are all wrong, and you are all right! I remember now, I made a mistake in the delivery of a letter! I'll set it all straight again! I can clear up every thing! Let me see--somebody gave me a letter--a love letter!
• FUSS. Someone gave me a letter for--for--Miss Norah Merrion--Now I have it!
• FUSS. Let me see--a--um--it was Lord William Daventry!
• DAVENTRY. It is false!
• Act The Fifth
• DAVENTRY. Can I blame her? No! My age pleads for her. Does it not say, "How could you expect a young and lovely thing, just budding into the May of life, to waste the odor of its youth upon a withered sapless bough, already in the sear and yellow leaf? How could you hope it, you ugly, grizzled oaf! How could you think of it for a moment, you damned old fool! Three months ago, Lord William Daventry, of Greenoaks, bachelor, on the one part, signed a contract of marriage with Kate Sophia Savage, spinster, on the other part, and now after ninety days of not uninterrupted happiness, the aforesaid parties are about to reassemble to conclude a second deed, which shall sever them for life.
• NORAH. The wretch! So does mine.
• NORAH. If you aim at his head (hiding her face on his shoulder) sure you will hit my heart.
• NORAH. My poor cousin! my heart weeps for him. Hush! I hear Stanmore's voice. I suspect he has more to do with this quarrel between my cousin and Kate then he will own: I know he belied me to Percy.
• SUPPLE. Have you forgotten Catherine Grahame?
• SUPPLE. I met a young, lovely, innocent French peasant girl--I loved her; she was proof against my prayers; I married her by the rites of her belief alone, taking advantage of a mere incompletion of a formula--I deceived, disowned, deserted der; she died, broken-hearted, leaving me her blessing and a daughter; that child I do believe to be the only thing, in this wide world, that loves me for myself alone! You smile--you think me weak--perhaps I am; I do adore my poor wronged child!
• SUPPLE. ... I saw my poor Kate's heart torn, crushed by this reptile; while I, her own father--
• SUPPLE. Yes, your victim.
  STAN. Kate Grahame!
• STAN. What can I do?
  SUPPLE. Marry her!
• SUPPLE. Look you, Mr. Daventry, wed my daughter, and I will deliver up to you all the correspondence, revealing the secret of your birth.
• STAN. Hem! I accept your offer.
• STAN. I would not do a rascally act; but, when it is the only thing I can do, it must be the best.
  SUPPLE. Sir William, I mean Mr. Daventry, you alarm me; you cannot mean that you refuse to wed my daughter?
• SUPPLE. You will not withhold the letters, then?
  STAN. No! not from the flames!
• NORAH. (Taking up the deeds, and advancing to Stanmore.) Are you aware that you are about to do what in Ireland we would call a very dirty bit of villainy?
• SUPPLE. Ay, yield up your title and estates to the right owner.
  NORAH. What do you mean?
  SUPPLE. That you hold the proofs of his illegitimacy.
• NORAH. Exactly! he found a will of the last baronet's dated a day before his death, in which he left his whole estate to me, and--and--
  DAVENTRY. Yes, well?
  NORAH. And that's all. (Aside.) I'll never tell another while I live.
• DAVENTRY. I'm in the dark still! Then if he is not, who the deuce is Sir William Stanmore?
  NORAH. I am.
• ARDENT. Now you kidnapping rascal! down on your knees and confess the truth--the truth if you can, or I'll pulverize you, and have you shaken carefully through a sieve, but I will get at it!
  LENOIR. I will tell all.
• LENOIR. I vas de priest date marry her to monsieur.
• SUPPLE. Then, sir, you are her husband, by every law, divine and human! Let me dispatch my business, my Lord, with you, and hasten to my child with these glad tidings. Here are the deeds of separation.
  STAN. Hold! give them to me. (Tears them.)
• STAN. The first good deed since my marriage with your child. Lord William Daventry, your wife is innocent.
• STAN. I have been the cause of this unhappy quarrel--I have injured you! forgive me.
• LADY D. Permit me to return you this love letter, my dear.
• FUSS. Dear me! I quite omitted--Permit me to introduce you to the future Mrs. a--a--Major--what's my--Fuss!
  ARDENT. Capital! One ceremony--it will double the joy!
  FUSS. Yes; and it will have the expense! When shall it be?
• FUSS. To-morrow! (aside.) That's double quick time!
• LORD D. Well, take 'em, and this piece of advice: remain in town; for, believe me, the pure flame of love is often smothered by that fatal folly of its first excess--the honeymoon. Ladies, be wise, and content to know that there is one realm bequeathed to you by Nature, where you have ever held sole sway, 'tis Home,--a simple word, unknown in any language but our own! Ah! may we never lose it--'tis your title-deed to our affections; for amidst the toil of trade--the labour of state--ay, and amidst the very lures of dissipation--the heartstrings are still held by the patient, lovely watcher, who sits by an Englishman's fire-side.
• NORAH. Yes, and an Irishman's, too, when he has one; if there's a countryman within the length of my voice, I appeal to him--Is'n't it so? And more; did there ever come a stranger amongst us from the land of Rose, that did'n't find a home and a welcome in the green isle of the Shamrock!