The Tain

• The Pillow Talk
• Husband and wife, Ailill and Medb, argue about who is wealthier. This started by Ailill saying wife is great for the wife of a wealthy man. Medb doesn't take kindly to this insult: she thinks she was just fine before they were married. To settle the debate of who is wealthier, they take out all their possessions and match them with each other. They all match except Finnbennach, the White Horned. Originally Finnbennach was Medb's, but he switched allegiances due to his misogyny.
• Wanting to match Ailill in the only spot she is lacking, Medb inquires about where she might acquire a cow to equal Ailill's. She is told of Donn Cuailgne, the Brown Bull of Cuailgne. She sends Mac Roth to go acquire the bull, only seeking it for a year's loan, with a substantial payment. The bull's owner, Daire mac Fiachna, quickly accepts the great offer.
• Celebrating a successful mission, the messengers from Connacht drink, eat, and become rowdy. One of Daire's servants overhears them boasting that they would have taken the bull without permission if necessary. He tells Daire, who is furious. The next day, Daire tells the messengers he will not give them the bull.
• The messengers return to Connacht, and when they tell Medb, she says: 'It was well known it would be taken by force if it wasn't given freely. And taken it will be.'
• The Tain Bo Cuailnge Begins
• Connacht gathers their armies. They think it will be an easy victory because Conchobor is suffers his pangs with all the men of Ulster. But Fedelm, a prophetess, sees it differently, prophesizing this for the Connacht host:
• 'I see it crimson; I see it red.'
• Fedelm gives her full prophecy, including:
• His great valour brings to mind / Cuchulainn of Murtheimne, / the hound of Culann, full of fame.
• The Army Encounters Cuchulainn
• Fergus, knowing full well they don't want Cuchulainn's smoke, steers the host around Murtheimne.
• Despite the detour, they arrive at Iraird Cuillen, where they find a spancel-hoop (a rope) with an ogem (a message) cut into it. It says: "Come no further unless you can make a hoop like this with one hand. Oh and BTW, Fergus is excluded." They consult the druids, but the agree, they must go no further unless a man can accomplish the task.
• Seeing that they can not pass that way, the decide to cut a path through the forest instead.
• Cuchulainn tracks the army the next day. He cuts a tree in the middle of a stream to prevent them from passing. When approaced by the scout chariots, he beheads the four men, leaving their heads and another ogam, which says: "No one shall pass unless they can throw the fork, with one hand, and of course, Fergus is excluded as before."
• Medb has Fergus remove the tree, and they observe it was brought down with a single cut. They decide to make camp and ask Fergus what kind of man they are dealing with.
• They think surely dealing with him will be no problem, because he is young. Fergus tells them otherwise:
• 'It would be nothing strange for him to do mighty deeds at this point. When he was younger, his acts were already manly.'
• Cuchulainn's Boyhood Deeds
• Cue a flashback, with Fergus recounting the exploits of young Cuchulainn.
• Young Cuchulainn wants to go to Emain as he hears there are boys there. His mother says the journey is too dangerous for him to go alone, but Cuchulainn proceeds anyways.
• On his way, he is attacked by 150 Conchobor boys. He blocks 150 javelins, stops 150 hurling-balls with his chest, and dodges 150 hurling-sticks.
• "The Warp-Spasm overtook him." I think this is the Irish form of Super Saiyan. He easily drops 50 of them before the gates of Emain. Then he pursues them past Conchobor, who grabs Cuchulainn by the wrist. Cuchulainn identifies himself. Conchobor offers Cuchulainn his protection, and Cuchulainn offers his protection to the boys.
• Fergus's second story tells of Cuchulainn caving in a man's skull who tried to wake him up. Now now one dares interrupt Cuchulainn's sleep.
• Fergus's third story sounds eerily similar to the first story.
• Fergus's fourth story is good. Eogan Mac Durthacht go to war with Ulster, but Cuchulainn is sleeping. Ulster loses the battle, but Cuchulainn is woken by the cries of the dying men. As he looks around the battle field, the dying men are asking for Cuchulainn's help, but he ignores all their pleas. He is on a mission -- to find Conchobor. He finds him and lifts him with the strength of six men. Conchobor tells Cuchulainn to light him a fire, then to go get home a boar to eat. Cuchulainn finds a man who is cooking a boar, beheads him and takes his pig. Conchobor eats the pig and is restored. They also find Conchobor's son Cuscraid, and Cuchulainn carries him back to Emain Macha.
• Fergus's fifth story tells of the men of Ulster being in their pangs, and being attacked by 27 men. A five-year-old Cuchulainn kills 9 of them. The rest fleeing.
• The listeners are entralled by Fergus's stories, but now Conall Cernach speaks up, confirming these stories and adding his own. Finally we get the story of how Cuchulainn gets his name:
• Conchobor is on his way to a feast hosted by Culann the Smith. On his way, he passes Cuchulainn playing games with the boys. Cuchulainn easily beats 150 boys at these games. Conchobor is impressed and invites Cuchulainn to this feast. He says he will join later. When Conchobor arrives, Culann asks him if his whole party is there. Conchobor says yes, so Culann releases his great hound to guard the cattle. When Cuchulainn approaches, the Ulster men fear for the boy, but Cuchulainn kills the hound. The Ulster men carry Cuchulainn to Conchobor cheering his triumph over the hound. Culann is sad though because his hound is dead. Cuchulainn reasurres him: he will raise a new dog for Culann, and in the mean time, Cuchulainn will provide the protection for the entire Murtheimne Plain. Cathbad now gives Setanta (now Cuchulainn) his name -- the hound of Culann.
• Stories from Fergus, and then Conall Cernach, and now finally Fiache Mac Fir Febe:
• Cuchulainn overhears Cathbad prophesizing that he who takes up arms today will do legendary feats. Cuchulainn thus arms himself. But when Cathbad goes to Conchobor and sees Cuchulainn armed, he reveals that it's bad news for Cuchulainn's mother. Cuchulainn feels lied to. But Cathbad explains himself -- yes he will do legendary feats, but will have a short life. Cuchulainn is fine with that trade. He wouldn't care if he only lived one day if he could be a legend.
• An avid eavesdropper, Cuchulainn overhears Cathbad on another day that the one who mounts his first chariot will have their name live on forever in Ireland. Cuchulainn goes to Conchobor to ask for a chariot. The first one breaks under his strength. Same with the next dozen. Finally he takes Conchobor's chariot, the only one that can withstand Cuchulainn.
• Cuchulainn and Ibor (the charioteer) ride out to the boundary and meet Conall Cernach. Conall is on patrol duty to greet poets and fight any others. Cuchulainn tells Conall to go back to the fort and he will keep watch. Conall thinks its too dangerous, but Cuchulainn throws a stone at Conall's chariot, destroying it and forcing Conall to leave Cuchulainn to keep watch.
• Cuchuliann rides on, and Ibor names all the places they visit. They ride to the fort of the three sons of Nectha Scene, who are enemies of Ulster. Cuchulainn throws a spencel-hoop to in the river to challenge them. Then he takes a nap. He tells Ibor to only wake him if all three come -- if it's just one or two, don't even bother waking him.
• All three come. Ibor tries to talk the sons out of giving them trouble, but Cuchulainn cuts him -- he came looking for the trouble. Cuchulainn takes each of their heads.
• Besides taking these heads back with them, Cuchulainn decides to take a deer back. He asks if it would be more impressive if the deer was alive or dead. Ibor says alive. So he catches a deer alive. Same with a flock of swans. He knocks them down and takes them alive.
• Returning to Emain Macha with the three heads, the deer, and the flock of swans, he wants to fight someone else. Conchobor tries to satiate him by sending naked women to him. It works. Then the warriors of Emain grab Cuchulainn and put him in a cold bath. The water boils. They put him in a second cold bath. Same thing. Only in the third cold bath is Cuchulainn cooled off. From then on, Cuchulainn is given a special place on Conchobor's knee.
• The stories end, and Fiacha mac Fir Febe, back in the present reacts: 'What wonder that the one who did this in his seventh year should triumph against odds and beat his match today, when he is fully seventeen years old?'
• Death Death!
• The Connacht host continues, but is stopped by a tree Cuchulainn has felled with an ogam that forces a chariot to jump over it. Thirty chariots fail their attempts.
• Frustrated, Medb summons Fraech mac Fidaig, and instructs him to go challenge Cuchulainn. He does. He finds him by the water, and thinks Cuchulainn won't be good in water. He is wrong. Cuchulainn asks Fraech to let him spare his life, but Fraech refuses to surrender, so Cuchulainn kills him.
• The challenge unsuccessful, they turn their attention back to the chariot jump. Fergus accomplishes it.
• Cuchulainn kills six more men. Then he kills Medb's hound. Medb is upset with her warriors: Shame on you all
• Orlam's charioteer is repairing his chariot, and asks Cuchulainn for help, not knowing it is Cuchulainn. When Cuchulainn finally reveals himself, he tells the charioteer that he has nothing to fear, that he must only take him to Orlam. When he is taken to Orlam, he beheads hims, and waves the head at the host. He orders the charioteer to take the head back with him through the camp, not disturbing the head, or Cuchulainn will kill him with his slingshot.
• The charioteer takes the head back and removes it to show Medb and Ailill. Cuchulainn kills him with a stone through his head.
• Cuchulainn slays the three sons of Garach, who were waiting to kill him for shaking the head at their host.
• Cuchulainn makes a vow to send a stone at Medb and Ailill when he sees them. He sees Medb, and kill her squirrel which was on her neck.
• Ailill is talking with his jester, Maenen, who boasts he could kill Cuchulainn. Cuchulainn kills Maenen with a stone to the head.
• Ailill makes a proclamation. He will kill anyone who scoffs at Cuchulainn. He decides they will travel by day and night to Cuailnge, for if they don't, Cuchulainn will kill two thirds of their army.
• Morrigan, in bird form, talks to Donn Cuailgne, the Brown Bull: raging over Cuailnge / death of sons / death of kinsmen / death death!
• The Bull moves to Sliab Cuilinn, tossing 150 boys off his back, killing 100 of them.
• Cuchulainn again swears to cast stones at Medb, but she is always protected. He accidentally kills Lochu, Medb's bondmaid, who he mistakes for Medb.
• From Finnabair Cuailnge to Conaille
• The Connacht host arrives in Cuailnge, and they round up all the cattle, but the bull is nowhere to be found. They learn he went to Dubchoire, the Black Cauldron. They track and trap the bull at Finnabair, but the bull kills 50 men and vanishes. The bull goes to Sliab Cuilinn. They chased but could not find it. Rivers rise and they are unable to cross, though Medb orders a man to try who fails and drowns. Cuchulainn also kills some men. Eventually they arrive in Conaille.
• We get a different account, however, of the journey from Cuilnge to Conaille. This second account sounds spicier:
• The Connacht host divides in two, with Ailill leading one host and Fergus, joined by Medb, the other. Ailill suspects Fergus and his wife Medb were becoming intimate, so he sends a spy and confirms his suspicions. The spy steals Fergus's sword. Ailill is fine with it, as he thinks Medb only sleeps with Fergus so Fergus will continue to help them on the Tain. Ailill invites Fergus to play fidchell.
• Ailill is laughs at Fergus when he arrives. Medb isn't amused: Hold a while / your clownish words / don't forget / what still remains / with the gentle boy troop / all might change
• Maine, Ailill and Medb's son wants to fight Cuchulainn. Fergus warns him against it.
• Cuchulainn meets them at the Cronn river. Cuchulainn summons the water to help him, and it rises to the treetops.
• Maine doesn't listen to Fergus, and Cuchulainn kills him, 30 horsemen, and 32 warriors.
• Lugaid goes out to talk with Cuchulainn. Cuchulainn greets him warmly. Lugaid asks Cuchulainn to spare his men. Cuchulainn grants the request. He also says he will spare Fergus's men and the healers. They just have to show a sign to identify themselves and send him food each night.
• When Lugaid goes to tell Fergus, Ailill asks for his men to be spared as well. Lugaid returns to Cuchulainn to ask him, and he seemingly consents. But he still kills 30 of Ailill's men.